I have taken a small break, hoping it’d help me to feel reinvigorated.
As I’m pottering around my house, looking for the next task to cross off my “to do list” ,I can hear my body telling me to lay down and stop.
But how can I?
I mean, seriously, does anyone really have the luxury to stick two fingers up to the world and say “I’m done”? (unless you are Justin Bieber and can walk away from a bunch of spotty Norwegian teenagers…)
Can anyone afford to do that?
As I venture myself in a major “oven cleaning mission”, as my oven can no longer wait and must be cleaned this very second, I realize the absurdity of it all. While I watch my hands vigorously scrubbing grease off the oven surface, I know I will soon have to move onto some other chore, because that’s just the way life goes, right?
As absurd as it is, I realize that my exhaustion has just been a choice.
I chose to tire myself out with countless daunting tasks.
I chose to stick to detailed ‘to-do-this-very-moment-cannot-wait” lists so to keep a sense of order in a life that I’m seriously struggling to understand some time.
Truth is, the world out there may never know about my lists and how good I am at accomplishing all my little daily missions.
So what am I doing here? Shouting at life to back the hell off me because I’m tired only to then exhaust myself in an attempt to keep everything in check because letting go just sounds too risky right now?
At a time when we are all being called to come out of the tiny boxes we have have outgrown of but which we have called “us” for so long, I wonder if I can really allow myself to throw my “to do list” away!
What will become of me? What would I do? Who would I be?
And since there are no answers to my questions right now, and as a matter of fact, I may just have to wait for a long time before any come through, I just throw in the sponge and sit on my floor.
Staring at the oven, while the cleaning foam dissolves into a dark recess, I can see how I forgot to walk the line.
I forgot because I have been scared.
And I realize how I just don’t like that.
Still sitting on the floor, it suddenly comes to me how we need to feel deserving to stop. I realize that unless we have something to show for our hard work, we are not able give ourselves permission to just stop and be.
And I so really really want to do that.
I so want to just stop and be ok with wherever I am right now in my life.
Be ok with not knowing while I think I should know because I’m a super coach and super coaches have all the answers…
Be ok with being tired because it’s in the nature of this very transitional time that is effecting the way our bodies are wired.
Be ok with my oven probably feeling neglected, knowing that it may have to wait another day or so to be cleaned.
And finally be ok with the way life is unfolding before my very incredulous eyes!
I’m now laying down on my cold floor, but I’m too tired to move and too comfortable to drag myself elsewhere in the house.
As my body presses against the hard, tiled surface, I feel I could just sink into it.
Sink into the arms of a very nurturing mother I just forgot about lately.
Sink into the arms of all it is, and stay there while life carries on without me.
And while I lay there, I breathe.
I breathe so I can come back to my core, because I have been everywhere but within lately.
With every inhale I imagine myself collecting all the energy I have scattered around my day in an attempt to keep everything under control.
With every exhale I collect myself from past worries which I struggle to let go of.
I inhale and exhale in a smooth circular breath, where each in breath dies into each out breath with a continuity that is both reassuring and calming.
And I remember why I chose to be on my path.
Trying to unravel a complex life, we seldom remember how simple things really are.
Wanting to prove to the world our worth, we often tire our soul out.
And so on this kitchen floor, half stoned by the fumes of a very potent oven de-greaser (ok…I admit it, I do have an obsession with a clean kitchen!) I remember what I stand for and how important it is to walk my talk so to support others around.
I stand for the power of the unknown, for it makes us as big as we really are when we let it.
I stand for the power of the silence we carry within ourselves but which we often struggle to access because taken by the noise out there.
And I stand by the power only this very moment offers but which we rarely grasp because of our reluctance to be still.
While I breathe, I see how lighter my heart now feels and how much space has suddenly appeared in a not so long ago crowded mind…I can sense that ‘spacey silence” in my head and that’s where I’m going to stay because it feels so damn good.
The world out there can wait for today…and so can my oven.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “I Walk the Line.”